these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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