I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
