You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize