my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Did I show you my penis last night?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
