I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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