That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
