textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
