and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
