Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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