we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
