Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
