I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
