My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
