There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
