Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
