Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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