bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
