I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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