"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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