FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
