I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
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