You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
