remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
