Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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