the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
