I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
