I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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