I puked a lego.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
