I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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