Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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