so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
