he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
