Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
