Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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