I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Drunk is a universal language darling
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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