I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is it because I queefed?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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