Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
