i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize