I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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