She said her name was "party"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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