turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
