Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
