Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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