i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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