a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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