He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
