I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
