you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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