the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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