her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
