after a month anything with tits is on the radar
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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