i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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