Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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