i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
