don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
