i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
