Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She told me I should be a condom model.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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