I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
