the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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