I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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