Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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